You Suck: A Love Story Chapter 23~24

Chapter Twenty-threeBeing the Chronicles of Abby NormalThe HuntedApparently I am the Hunted, which, I want to none here, I am alto lasther not qualified for. Here I sit, perched in the rafters (I think these things are rafters) of the Oakland Bay Bridge equal a crippled night bird, waiting for decry to descend on me in the form of an ancient, undead thing, to wrench the very limbs from my delicate clay. So that sucks.Fortunately I bring on round sustenance until my darkened ecclesiastic and Lady rise from their diurnal slumber to kick some(prenominal) fucking ass. I know I should be sweep a pathing bugs and spiders and stuff to facilitate my vampyrism, save as a ve force backarian, I leasent developed the hunting skills, so Ive started with some Gummi Bears I got at the theater. (Supposedly they are make step to the fore of beef pectin or purify of horse hooves or something, so I think they make a good transition to the nosfe barfu diet. And I equal biting hit their tiny full points.)Here, noble above the City well, actu whollyy, were ab surface ten feet above some homeless people who live below the bridge I feel comparable the defender of an ancient tomb, willing to face any attacker to protect my master and mistress, who are wrapped in tarps, lying on the next beam or rafter or whatever.OMFG, there are fucking pigeons everywhere Sorry, integrity clean pooped on my notebook. Never mind. Move along. Im over it. But ewwwwJared has gone to his dads base in the Noe V anyey to get the lawn cart and minivan so we nookie transport my get the hang to safety. He left me his dagger, which Ive only had to brandish at a time, against a woman who wanted to take the tarp from over my Dark Lord. so I used it to scrape off my old nail polish, which was wholly chipped and stuff from doing minion manual labor.So, my masters like met up with us outside the Museum of Modern Art and they were every last(predicate), Are you okay? Did he hurt you? And they were universe all secretive approximately Jared, like he didnt know we were vampyres. And I was all, effective chill, hes assistant minion. So they relaxed.Then photoflood pulls this bronze hand out of his bag and hes all, Abby, do you know what this is?And I was all, Why yes, Lord soaker, because I speak obvious as a second language. Its a bronze hand, correct?So the Countess took the hand from him. Abby, this is whats left of the guinea pig of the vampyre who moody me.So Im all, Begging your pardon and whatnot, Countess, save thats a statue hand.And shes all, Thats what Im give voiceing. Which is not what the fuck she was saying at all.So it turns out that the bronze statue that used to be in the loft was actually the vampyre who turned the Countess, and then the Countess turned the vampyre bombardment, except he was skillful Flood then. So the old vampyre, whose name is Elijah, got all premenstrual syndrome and started fucking with the Countess by leaving de ad bodies all over t have got with evidence pointing toward her, and threatening to kill her minion, who was Flood at the time, and it got completely out of hand, with some cops and the geeks from the Sa a couple of(prenominal)ay blowing up Elijahs yacht and in truth pissing him off, and then the Countess pretending to save Elijah when in fact she was extracting his ancient vampyry secrets, and Flood bronzing them both, but letting the Countess out because she is the cacoethes of his manner and whatnot. So Flood, who is not a mysterious and ancient creature of the night at all, but has been a vampyre like a week extended than I have, took the statue down to the waterfront to drop it in the Bay, so it wouldnt remind the Countess of her testt being torn a solariseder by the yearning for two chousers and stuff. But the sun came up and Flood left the statue on the Embarcadero, and when they went back it was gone, and it turns out that Elijah is loose and he was the crusty vampyre in the yellow tracksuit I saw shaking the abundant cat guy and he is now stalking me to get back at the Countess for being a duplicitous ho.So Jared was all, Fuck. Thats awesome.And I was all, You lied to me.And the Countess was all, Yeah, sunshine, thats why Im telling you this now. Which was completely unnecessary sarcasm on her part.And Jared was like, This is the best Christmas ever.And I was all, Shut up, gay-bait. Ive been betrayed.And the Countess was all, Youll get over it. We have to go gibe if William is okay.And I see now that she was right, but I brooded as we went back to the loft, just to make a point, because I hate it when people take me for granted. When we got to the Countesss block, there was an ambulance there and cops all over the place, so Flood and the Countess hung back and sent me over to get the 411. I could see that the huge cat guy was on a coping stone and they were strapping oxygen on him.And I was all, Let me through, this man is my father.And the E MTs were all, No way.And I was all, Who called you, anyway?And they were like, The guy in the building. A sculptor or something.And then the cat guy was all, Let her through.So they let me through.So I blew by the EMT to the huge cat guy, and I was all, Are you okay?And he was like, Well, my head hurts like hell, and I think my leg is broke.And I was all, Is there anything I can do? Because I was under orders of the Countess to gain information and offer assistance.And he was like, If you could take care of Chet. Hes in the stairwell. Hell be hungry.And I was all, You got it.So then he like pulled the oxygen mask off and had me bend over so he could whisper, and I was all, Yes, Dad, for the EMTs who were watching.And he whispered like, Before they take me forth, could I see your tits.So I kicked him in the ribs. And the EMTs went all byzerk and shit, and told me to get away, but they were totally overreacting, because I had on my red Converse All Stars, which will hardly steady br uise you.So they loaded him into the ambulance, and just as they were conclusion the doors, he reached out his hand, like he was a drowning man reaching for the last spark of his mortality onward the inky waves of death swept him away so I flashed my boobs for him, just a quick lift of my bra and top at the same time, because I dont think we do enough to help the homeless, and I wanted him to die a happy man. And besides, theyre small and I dont get that many requests.So I got Chet out of the stairway of the old loft and was carrying him kid-style when I saw the two cops from before the ones the Countess said helped blow up Elijah so I went up to the Hispano-cop and I was all, So, whats up, cop?And he was all, You need to get home, and you have no business out at this hour, and we should take you to the station and call your parents and blah, blah, blah, threat, threat, disapproval, and fascist dogma all up in your darkly delicious grille. (Im paraphrasing. Although I do have a delicious grille as I had to wear braces for three years when I was a kid, and now my teeth are like my most acceptable feature. I hope my fangs come in straight.)And the big gay cop was all, What are you doing here?And I was all, I live here, bone-smoker, what are you doing here? Arent you guys homicide cops?And he was all, Lets see some ID blah, blah, bluster, bluster, Oh My God I am so full of shit.And I was like, I guess you wouldnt have to deal with this shit if you had properly blowed up that old vampyre when you stole his art collection.So all of a sudden the Hispano-cop and his big gay partner were all, Whaaa ?And Im like, Just so we know where we stand. How long you bitches going to be here?And they were like, Just a half hour or so longer, miss. We need to interview some witnesses and go clean out our boxers where we have just completely shit ourselves. Do you need a ride somewhere? (Again paraphrasing.)So I walked off, while they were calm down stunned, let Chet into t he new loft down the street like it was mine, then ran or so the block and reported to the Countess and Flood. Jared was just staring at them like he was hypnotized or something. I was like, Hey, Boo, to remind him what a tard he was being and Jared snapped out. (Lily and Jared and I watched the To Kill a Mockingbird DVD like six times together and our favorite part is when Scout sees Boo Radley behind the door and goes, Hey, Boo. Its like thanking the universe for sending you a benevolent encumber to help you out, which is how I often feel about Jared.) So I was like, Buy me a coffee. And the Countess and Flood look at each another(prenominal) and wag their heads. No money.So I was like, You guys are so fucking lame. You have piles of cash and you roll with no money. You are no longer the Dark Lord and Lady of me. Which I totally didnt mean, but I was stressed and starting to get a low-on-caffeine headache. But Jared goes, Hey, Boo at me, and hes holding a ten-dollar bill. And I pretended to induce a snag in my fishnets so everyone would quit feeling at me.The Countess said she knew of a Chinese diner off Freemont Street that was decipherable all night on Christmas and we could hang out there until the cops left. Jared and I had cups of coffee and an order of fries, which FYI, taste a dwarfish like shrimp in a Chinese diner. And Flood and the Countess are watching us, looking all sad. So Im like, What? What? What?And the Countess is all, Nothing.Which I know is totally something, because I say it all the time. And I watch her eyes follow Jareds cup as he sips his coffee and Im all, Oh, fucksocks, Countess, cowboy the fuck up, would you? Then I slipped Jareds dagger out of his boot, grabbed his hand, and poked him in the thumb.Id like to say right here that the screaming was totally unnecessary. And whatever the Chinese guy was saying at me from behind the counter was a total overreaction and how does he expect me to understand him when hes talking tha t fast AND in Chinese? Anyway, after I squeezed Jareds thumb into his cup, then a little into my own and gave it to Flood, everyone calmed down, even the Chinese guy after Jared paid him for two more coffees and the meeting of the Immortal SOMA Drama Queens officially came to order.It seemed like we waited forever, and the Countess and Flood wouldnt answer any of my questions about the way of the nosferatu. It was like they had no idea what they were doing. Like last year I took Advanced Foods class (which is like cooking for nerds) after lunch, and so I usually took a nap. Which was fine, because Im not even thrilled about regular foods, so, you know, what do I need with like march on digital HD wi-fi foods and whatnot so I took the course pass-fail and slept. But then, at the end of the semester, my mom springs this trap on me, like Oh, Allison, Ive bought ingredients and you can prepare dinner party for Ronnie and me to show what you learned in your Advanced Foods class. Itl l be fun.You can pretty much bet that anytime Mom uses the phrase itll be fun, she is about to drive a stake in funs heart so that it may never rise again. Which is what happened. Artichokes? Who eats something like that? I thought it was a weapon.So anyway, after ix eternities in the diner, we went back to the loft, where the Countess said she had my Christmas present waiting. When we got to the block, the cops and EMTs were gone and it looked like the coast was clear, but when the Countess opened the security door to the loft, there, sitting on the steps, was the old vampyre, naked.Well, the Countess and Flood jumped about eighteen feet in the air and Im pretty sure I peed a little. Yes, I definitely peed. Jared just started an asthma attack, not the whole attack, just the maiden gasp. He just stopped breathing after that.So Elijah is all, I needed to do some laundry.Let me say right here, if I havent made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so dont be surprised if you someday find me wandering the moors at midnight, a crazed look in my eye, babbling about albino Tater Tots nesting in Brillo pads and being pursued by sagging man ass, because that shit can happen when youve been traumatized.Then Flood threw himself against the door and screamed for us to run as he courageously held the door against our ancient vampyre ancestors assaults. I was beginning to doubt Floods ability to fulfill his duties as my Dark Lord until he stepped up and saved us valorous vampyre hero that he is because I was starting to think he was just a geek with a passing knowledge of poetry.As we ran I could hear Elijah saying, He peed on my tracksuit, as he threw himself against the door, or I guessed he did, because I didnt turn around until we were two blocks away.The Countess was all, Ive got to go back for him. But before she even turned around, my Dark Lord came running around the corner.And he was all, Go, go, go waving at us.And we were all, Where? Where? Where?And then as the Countess threw her weaponry around Flood and started to squeeze the bejeezus out of him, and Jared was all, Gasp, get a inhabit, gasp, her watch started beeping. Then Floods watch was beeping, too. And they were all, Uh-oh.So we had like ten minutes to find someplace dark to inter them, and no one had any money for a hotel, even if we had the time to check in and whatnot. So they ran toward a big construction site under the Bay Bridge. And I was thinking, I do not want to bury my masters in the construction site. What if they got paved? It would totally freak them out to get paved.And the Countess was all, How did you get away?And the vampyre Flood was all, The dryer buzzer went off.And she was all, He let you live because his laundry was done?And Flood goes, Lucky, huh? Totally not out of breath, even with the running.So when we got to the construction site, everything was eith er open or would be when everyone came to work. And the Countess looked up into the rafters or whatever of the bridge and goes, There.So there is where we went. I grabbed some tarps that were application program this generator thing by the construction site and Jared and I climbed up into the rafters with our vampyre sires and helped tuck them in just in time for them to go out.But as it got lighter, and we saw all the homeless people around, Jared and I realized that our masters would not be safe here when all the homeless people who lived under the bridge noticed the tarps and our delicate youth or smelled my Gummi Bears and came after us. So Jared went to get the garden cart, some trash bags and duct tape, and hopefully his stepmoms minivan so we can move our masters to a safer realm.Oh, check it, before the Countess passed into the inky sleep of the undead, I was like, So what did you get me for Christmas?And she was all, Ten thousand dollars.And I was like, I didnt get you guy s anything.And she was like, Thats okay. You are our most special favorite minion and its all good.Which is why I love her and will guard her to the death. Then she like kissed the vampyre Flood and passed out. Im sure their love will span the ages, if Jared and I dont fuck up and fry them during transport.OMG I just remembered, we forgot to feed ChetChapter Twenty-four The Half-Life of American CheeseThe Cheddar Princess of neighborly du Lac was toasted. It wasnt just the bursting into flames that had crispied her up more than somewhat physically, it was that Drews blood tasted like bong water, and she was still a little mentally baked from feeding on him. Shed made the mistake of trying to get the taste out of her mouth with some orange juice and had been rewarded with five minutes of the dry heaves.She brushed at her arms and nifty black flakes of burned skin came away, revealing fresh, unscarred skin below. Drews blood was healing her, but it appeared that the process was goin g to take time and, like life in general, was going to be messy.Maybe a bath.She padded naked into the bathroom, which was done all in slabs of granite and green glass, and ran her bath. While the tub filled, she picked the last few burned tatters of her dress away from her skin and dropped them into the toilet. There was a swath of gray spread across the black tile, the remains of the original owner, and she was tracking him all over the bathroom and bedroom suite, so she stopped to sweep him into the corner with a towel. That had sort of been a surprise (in what was turning out to be a long line of surprises) when her first victim had disintegrated in her arms two nights ago, just as she was getting the hang of blood drinking.Oops.He had been so nice, too. Had picked her up in his Mercedes not two minutes after shed stumbled out of Lashs flatbed building have on nothing but a leather bustier and thigh-high platform boots. It wasnt the first time shed been on the street with her ass hanging out that wasnt what had thrown her. It was waking up feeling like her tits were on fire to see her body rejecting the giant silicone globes she had spent so much money having implanted. Even as she tried to push them back in with her hands, the implants pushed through her skin, opening her up like they were aliens hatching out of her. She screamed as they broke through and rolled to the flooring, then lay there, quivering on the carpet. As she watched, her skin mended, her breasts tightened and lifted, the pain had turned to a tingling, but now she felt a squirming in her face her lips specifically, and she wiped her mouth and came away with two sluglike lines of silicone that had been injected years ago. It was only then, in looking at the grotesque globs of lip filler on her hand, that Blue realized she wasnt puritanical at all. Her palms were baby white. Her arms, her legs she ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. An old familiar unusual looked back at h er the Cheddar Princess of Fond du Lac. She hadnt seen this person since high school the milky-white skin, hair almost white blond, still in the severe cut of the blue call young lady, but looking somewhat like a pageboy cut now. Even the tattoos shed had done in her early days in Vegas were gone.Im alive, she thought. Then And Im going to be alive forever. Then And Im going to need some fucking money.She ran to Lashs bedroom to where shed left her makeup case. It was gone. Her money was goneShe ran out of the apartment and down the steps like she might see a green trail of bills blowing in the wind in the direction her money had escaped, but one time on the street, she headed for the only place she knew, toward the Marina Safeway. She got half a block before the Mercedes pulled up and the electric window rolled down.Hey, you need a ride? Its a little chilly out here for that outfit.His name had been David, and he did something that had to do with moving money around. Whatever it was, it must have paid well. He was wearing a two-thousand-dollar suit and his penthouse apartment on Russian Hill looked out on Golden Gate Bridge and the massive dome at the castle of Fine Arts.Hed given her his coat to wear up in the elevator. It was in the elevator that the hunger had come upon her. Poor David. They hadnt even talked price before shed had him stage set over the green glass vanity in the bathroom, drinking his life away.Oops. The difference, she realized, between what had happened to her and what had happened to David had been the bloody kiss shed taken from Tommy. But for a kiss, she, too, would be a pile of dust. There should be a song like that, she thought. At least shed learned before she took her victims.Now she swept the last of David into the corner, then scraped him up with a piece of cardboard from his shirt drawer and dumped him into the wastebasket. Then she slipped into the tub full of bubbles and began to scrub off her charred skin.She wouldnt be able to stay long. David had been married or had a girlfriend. Blue had found a whole closet full of womens clothes expensive clothes, and the woman would probably be back. Of course, this would make a great base of operations, maybe she could just wait for the wife to return and sweep her into the wastebasket with David.Blue leaned back and closed her eyes, listened to the bubbles popping, the wires humming through the building, the traffic out on the streets, to fishing boats leaving the wharf then a sudden intake of breath from the living room, then another, deeper gasp as the second one found life, then a long man-scream. The dead Animals shed collected were coming back to life.Sit tight, boys, Blue said. Mamas just going to get cleaned up and shake off on a new dress, then well go get you something to eat and pick up my money.She ran a sponge over her arm and smiled. She really could be Snow White now. One dwarf at a time, she thought.Elijah Ben Sapir had roamed the planet for eight hundred and seventeen years. In that time he had seen empires rise and fall, miracles and massacres, ages of ignorance and ages of judgment the full spectrum of mankinds cruelty and kindness. He had seen all manner of freakishness, from the perversions of nature to the perversions of mind, twisted, beautiful, terrifying he thought he had seen it all. But for all of his years, and all the acuity of erudition enabled by his vampire senses, he had never seen a huge shaved cat in a red sweater, and sitting there in his freshly washed yellow tracksuit, still warm from the dryer and smelling of soap and fabric softener, he smiled.Hey, kitty, the old vampire said.The huge cat eyed him suspiciously from across the loft. The cat could sense that he was a predator, just as Elijah could sense that the cat had been prey to a vampire. Kitty treat.Im not going to eat you, kitty. Ive fed rather enough.It was true. Elijah was feeling a little bloated from trying to keep the body count up. Perhaps he should just kill the next few, not feed. But no, the police wouldnt know it was a vampire then, and thered be no joy in terrorizing the fledgling. He just wasnt ready to feed yet. There was soul in the stairwell right now, he could hear her breathing and smell patchouli and clove cigarette odor wafting under the door. Soon enough, he thought.Perhaps well find something for you to eat, hey, kitty?Elijah vaulted off the bar stool and began opening cupboards. In the third one he found pouches of Tender Vittles. He took a bankroll from the cupboard that looked as if it had never been used, dumped in the meatish nuggets, and shook them around.Come, kitty.Chet padded a few steps toward the kitchenette, then stopped. Elijah put the bowl down and stepped away. I understand, kitty. I dont like to eat in front of witnesses either. But sometimes The vampire heard a car pull up outside, a car that hadnt been tuned in a while. He cocked his head and listened as the doors opene d and slammed. Four got out. He heard their steps on the concrete, a female voice, hissing at the other three. In an instant he was at the window looking down, and in spite of himself, he smiled again. There was no vivid life aura around the four down on the sidewalk. No healthy pink glow, no black shadow of death. The visitors below were not human.Vampires. On one hand, an indication of an terrific problem one that just might attract attention that he could ill afford but on the other, exciting in a way that he hadnt felt in a hundred years.Four against one. Oh my, kitty, how ever will I prevail?The old vampire ran his tongue over his fangs. For all the rage, frustration, and discomfort hed endured since choosing the redhead as his fledgling, he was, for the first time in decades, not bored. He was having the time of his very long life.Killing time, kitty, he said, slipping into a pair of Tommys Nikes.Jody awoke to the smell of clove cigarettes and the crunching of Cheese Newts . There was music screeching, too a whiny guy singing about some girl named Ligeia, who apparently he missed a great deal because he was talking about dragging her worm-worn corpse from the earth and caressing her cheek on a cliff above the sea before throwing himself off, with her in his arms. The singer sounded a little down, and like he could have used a throat lozenge.She opened her eyes and was initially blinded until she adjusted to the black light, then she yelped. Jared White Wolf was sitting on the bed about two feet away from her, shoving handfuls of crunchy Cheese Newts into his mouth. There was a brown rat on his shoulder.Hi. Newt crumbs sprayed and fluoresced on the black sheets and clothing.Hi, Jody said, turning her head to avoid the crumbs.This is my room. Do you like it?Jody looked around, for once not really that thrilled with her vampire night-vision abilities. There were disturbing stains glowing on the sheets, and almost everything else in the room was black wi th a patina of vibrant blacklight-enhanced dust or lint there was even lint on the rat.Its swell, she said. Interesting, she thought. She was no longer afraid of gang members and street criminals, and would even throw down with an eight-hundred-year-old vampire if need be, but rodents still sort of gave her the willies. The rats eyes were glowing silver in the black light.This is Lucifer Two. Jared scooped the animal off his shoulder and held him out.Despite an attempt at self-control, Jody climbed backward halfway up the wall, shredding a Marilyn Manson poster with her nails in the process.Lucifer One went on to his dark reward when I tried to dye him black.Sad, Jody said.Yeah. Jared turned the rat and rubbed noses with him. I was hoping we could turn him to nosferatu when you bring Abby and me into the fold.Yeah, sure, thatll happen. Why am I in your room, Jared?It was the only place we could think to bring you. It wasnt safe under the bridge. Abby had to go, so Im in charge.Goo d for you. Wheres Tommy?Under the bed.She would have known that would have heard him breathing if the music wasnt cranked up to coffin-splitting volume.Could you turn the music down a little, please? Kay, Jared said. He tucked Lucifer Two in his pocket and spidered across the bed, getting a little tangled in his black duster, then rolled to the floor and across the room in a commando-under-fire move until he got to the stereo, where he twisted the dial, putting the keening Emo singer out of his misery, or at least shutting him the fuck up.Where are we? Tommys voice from under the bed. It smells like gym socks stuffed with ground-up hippies.Were in Jareds room, Jody said. She let a hand drop off the edge of the bed. Tommy took it and she pulled him out. He was still partially wrapped in duct tape and garbage bags.Was I a hostage again?We had to cover you up to keep you from burning in the sun.Well, thanks.Tommy looked at Jody, who shrugged.I was unwrapped when I woke up, she said.Th ats because Abby says youre the Alpha vamp. Do you guys want to play Xbox or watch a DVD? I have The rejoice Special Collectors Edition.Gee, Jody said, that would be great, Jared, but wed better be going.Tommy had already picked up the Xbox controller, but set it down with marked disapproval, as if hed notice a little botulism there on the trigger button.Oh, you cant go until the rents go to bed. Jared giggled, high and girlish. The door is right by where they watch TV.Well go out a window, Jody said.Jared giggled again, then snorted a little, then started to honk, then took a hit from the inhaler that hung around his neck before he went on. Theres no window. This basement is totally windowless. Like weve been walled up in here with our own grotesque despair. Isnt it sweet?We could go to mist, Tommy said. Go out under the door.That would be so cool, Jared said, but my dad put rubber gaskets around the door to contain my disgusting Goth stench. Thats what he calls it my disgusting G oth stench. Although I dont think Im really Goth, more like death punk. He just doesnt like cloves. Or pot. Or patchouli. Or gay people.Philistine, Tommy said.Oh, would you guys like some Cheese Newts? Jared picked the box up off the floor and held it out. I can open a vein on them if you need me to. He waved the thumb Abby had stabbed to prepare their coffee the night before, now wrapped in a ragged crackpot of gauze and medical tape the size of a racquetball.Im good, Tommy said.Jody nodded in agreement although she would love a cup of coffee, she didnt think she should ask the kid to stab himself quite so soon.She checked her watch. What time do your parents go to bed?Oh, around ten. Youll have plenty of time to stalk the night and whatnot. Would you like to wash up or something? Theres a bathroom down here. And a washing machine. My room was the wine cellar, then my dad crashed his car and started twelve-stepping, so I got this sweet room for my own. Abby says its dank and disgu sting and she says it like its a bad thing I think its just her perky side manifesting. I love her, but she really can be perky sometimes dont tell her I said so.Jody shook her head, then nudged Tommy, who shook his head in agreement. We wont tell. The kid was sort of enceinte her the creeps. She thought she might have lost that ability with blood drinking and the sleep of the undead and all, but nope, she was getting completely creeped out.Jared, when is Abby coming back?Oh, she should be here any minute. She went to your loft to feed the cat.She went to our loft? The loft where Elijah was?No, its okay. She went during daylight so he couldnt hurt her.Its not daylight anymore, Jody said.How do you know? Jared said No windows, duh.Tommy Stooge-smacked his forehead with enough force to render a mortal man unconscious. Because were awake, you fucking moronOh yeah, ha, Jared said. The trilling giggle again. Thats bad, huh?